I think that it's natural for us to not understand each other all that well. As humans we tend to gravitate towards those stories which mirror our own; take, for example, your choice in reading material. Chances are that your favourite stories/blogs/etc. are all ones that speak to an area of your own life. Even the books that are as unlikely a mirror as any for you to look into, take a young adult fantasy novel, have characters in them that you are drawn to because of how their decisions are similar to yours, or their emotions are just like your emotions. Our favourite songs - they're our favourites because they speak to us, aren't they? The lyrics remind you of an old flame, or a tough decision, or a time in your life. We see ourselves in others, and those in whom we see the most of ourselves we grow closest to.
Which is likely one of the reasons why it's so lonely to be in the ministry. Because others can't imagine seeing themselves in you. Especially people who aren't Christians. Non Christians have very definate opinions on what a ministry couple should look and act like.
Loneliness, that inability to connect with others, is so prevalent in the ministry that we who are in that field tend to clump together. Despite my secular upbringing, the majority of my online friends are Christians. In fact a high percentage of them are in the ministry. I'm even a member of three facebook groups specifically targeted towards people in ministry! Flying in the face of Jesus' command to go out into the world (a world with many, many faiths) Christians want to huddle together. It's warmer that way, and it's easier to turn to the person next to you, a person who knows exactly what you're talking about, and have a conversation.
I am a lonely pastor's wife. I have secular friends very dear to me with whom I cannot share the most important piece of who I am, the reason I live every day. And I have Christian friends with whom I cannot share the fact that I feel as though Christianity is living in a big, shiny, well-decorated bubble. And when my husband is given a church, I will have a congregation that I would be advised not to befriend, because I'm the pastor's spouse. That's hard. It's hard to be so lonely in the midst of so many. It's hard to know that not too many people are going to 'get it'. Get why I bother dragging the children to church. Get why we want a church so badly even though we've got a good life here and friends and everything and that imaginary someday church would rip us away from this.
And I would dearly love to toss a platitude in here. I don't really have one. I lean on my God, and I trust that He is there to listen to me.
The whole "don't make friends in the church" is a load of crap. I don't know why people say that. Some of my moms closest friends are from their church. Stefan's parents best friends were their pastors. This is a bold face lie that gets thrown around ministry that says "you cannot be friends with your flock". In fact the more you are not friends with them the less success you will have in the church.
ReplyDeleteWhen a church doesn't befriend the pastor, the pastor wants to leave. When a Pastor doesn't befriend a church the church won't connect.
There will be people in your church that you will get close to and they will stab you in the back. But there will be people in the church that you will sit at their table drinking coffee and crying your eyes out because you are frustrated. Or you will celebrate together over a new life/accomplishment/victory.