The harder side

In the midst of all this busying back and forth, I am covering a hole.  I'm hurt.  I'm hurt by the way this ministry is ending, by how relationships are ending, by how so much of this is wrapping up in totally unpleasant and unforseen ways.  I'm hurt by the church.  I'm hurt by people.  I'm hurt by other ministers.  I'm hurt.

Maybe that doesn't shock you, or maybe it does - that someone can love God and not feel happy about all his little children.  Expectations are...a real drag, guys.  They really, truly are.  They make you feel like you're entitled to all sorts of things that you really are not entitled to.  Especially in ministry.  Especially there.  

Here's the thing - LOVE IS TRICKY.  It's hard to love people on your own.  It's HARD to do that.  Sometimes you really UNLOVE those people.  No love, 0%, do NOT recommend!  And that's why the love cannot ultimately come from you; it must come from somewhere else.  If it came from me, there would be about 3cm of love and then you'd hit cement.  I am not a loving individual; my default is "Kids!  Listen, we're crossing the street because there's some Jehovah's Witnesses coming towards us and they're holding pamphlets.  Everyone GO!"  The loving you see in me, that's not me, that's God.  

And I'm holding on to the hope that he can keep loving through me for the next several weeks because I am OUT of those 3cm, folks.  I'm out.  I'm tired of...all of the things.  I want to open my mouth and have God give me words that will encourage and uplift, and instead I'm holding my teeth tightly together so that I don't say what I'm thinking.  I worry the words will start to drip out the edges, start to divert themselves to my eyes, my ears - just run out of my body in fits and starts, dripping on the carpet as I walk.  That would not be good.  That would not be a nice ending.  The words are not nice words.

God is the well of stillness, the lack of chaos.  If I am to make it through this move, it will be by His strength alone.

April 8 - Moving Update

 We're up to...hold on, let me count again just to make sure...

44 packed boxes!  

So the packing thing is always okay for me, honestly.  I mean, you gets the boxes, you puts the things in the boxes.  It's not difficult.  We're doing fairly well on that front.

The decluttering is a bit less comfortable, but I'm trying.  I've found a home for a few things - it's just a question of actually having the things OUT of the house, because people say they want stuff, but do they really??  This is a returning issue for me.  Also I have no memory left so no, I'm probably actually NOT going to remember to bring it to you.  Sigh.  Prolly not.

I've been calling various health providers today.  Make sure everyone has a dental checkup before we move and our insurance kicks off.  Found out that we can't have eye exams until July, and we move in June, so that's dumb but okay, our eyes were fine whenever we last had them checked so I assume they'll be fine until we can get a new optometrist.  Have scheduled a time to go in and get the last pair of insurance-covered frames for my glasses that have been glued back together one too many times.  

Also called the junk removal guy who brings things to the dump for a fee.  Because do I ever have things to bring to the dump, friends.  Oh, do I ever.  Someone would like my raised garden beds AND the dirt in them, which...fantastic.  Come and get those suckers.  Called the vet to make sure animals will have rabies shots and such before we go.  Northern and Southern Ontario have different animal health concerns, apparently - protection against ticks and heartworm, specificially.

This week is all about finishing school for the grown ups.  I'm on the home stretch of this trade publishing in Canada course, and as soon as I'm done I'm taking a break until September, so we can get settled.  David has a final volunteering session at the food bank, and then a final reflection paper to write, and then all of his requirements for this degree on his end have been fulfilled.

The children's schooling is not really critical to finish at any particular time, but I am trying to wrap up all the odds and ends of books that we've started, just so we can finish our series and pack them away.  

We'd hoped to do a run down to Ottawa with a few dozen boxes in the van, but then the provincial lock down happened, so now we're not going anywhere for four weeks.  This means we've got boxes slowly engulfing our house and no where to put them, which is...fun. 

And there we go, plodding ever onward.

The move

Perhaps 8 years ago, on this blog, I announced that we would be taking on the challenge of our very first church ministry.  We moved from a small town in New Brunswick, Canada, to a miniscule village in northern Ontario.  Looking back, I can see the hand of God on what we did, but that doesn't make the struggles any easier.

We've spent eight years here, now, and it is time to move on again.

David has suffered burn-out, I have fought against an anxiety disorder, we have lost friends, said goodbye to family, and faced prejudice.  But we've also had some amazing, wonderful moments.  We've met beautiful people and watched them develop in their faith.  We welcomed our third child to the family, and more recently, a dog.  David has finished his distance education courses and been ordained, and this spring will see him finally graduated with a degree in pastoral ministry.  I've returned to school.  We've gotten better at what we do and seen results that lifted our hearts.

We never intended to retire in this village. This was never meant to be the 'last stop'.  In fact, if I'm being honest, I thought it wouldn't even be a place we stayed for more than a few years.  But God had other plans, and we've tried to be obedient, and so here we are many more years past the point at which I'd  imagined we'd be gone to other pastures.

In some ways I'm excited to see what comes next, but of course the last time we moved it was with a four year old and a two year old.  Now it will be with an eleven, nine, and seven year old.  It's challenging to explain all of this to the children, and we've already had a few teary episodes.  The two healthy cats we stuffed into carriers and carted along with us have become one frail 17 year old cat and a giant standard poodle - not the more straightforward of combinations.  We've never been big 'stuff' collectors, and the parsonage is quite small, but we still have the detritus of five people and eight years to sift through.  It's all the normal stuff of moving, but we haven't done it before so the newness is a bit intimidating.

We're being asked the same (occasionally hysterical) questions over and over again, so I thought I might try to answer some of them here.

1) Where are you going????

Well, the short answer is: we don't know.  David will be applying to various positions as they come up, or we might be appointed somewhere, but there's no indication where that might be at this point.  We'll be staying in Ontario, and if we have a church it will be further south (I can say with certainly because there are really only a few churches in the denomination geographically north of us!).

2) And...if he DOESN'T get a church????

Ah, that's where things get interesting.  While we hope that he does, obviously, God might not have that in the plan for the next stage, and that's fine, too.  If he isn't hired at a church then our next step will be to move 'home', which for us means where we grew up - Ottawa.  There are a couple of reasons for this.  First, we know the city, and the children know the city.  Familiarity is going to be a comfort in the midst of turmoil.  Second, all of our immediate family, with the exception of my parents, live in Ottawa.  Having people around to lend a listening ear or to spend time with is going to soothe our anxiety - especially for the children.  It is also in the 'hub' of the denomination for this province, which means that any meetings, interviews, etc. will be much more easily accessed from our home base.

3)  Where will you live and what will you do to make money???

Like most of the questions we're getting, the answers to these ones depends mightily on where we're living.  If we move without a church, then we will put our belongings into storage and 'camp out' with my mother in law.  This would be a very short-term solution; perhaps on the order of a few months.  During that time David and/or I would likely get a job, or each get jobs, preferably in a field we at least liked, and we would move into a house or apartment as soon as we could, and settle in to wait.

4)  Will the children still be homeschooled????

Judging by the frequency with which we are asked this, everyone is mightily concerned about it.  The answer is: I can't see why not.  We chose to homeschool because we believed it was the best education we could offer our children, and we still believe that, so...*shrug* I suppose if that changes, then we'll look at other options.  As it stands, yes, to the best of our knowledge, all three little weirdos will continue to be homeschooled.

5) Now that Amy is going back to school, is SHE going to be working, TOO????

It's possible!  We're keeping our options open.  Maybe we'll end up as a SAHD homeschooling the children while mom goes to work style of family.  I don't know, but it's possible!

6) Variations on HOW WILL YOU DO THIS???

The same way anyone does anything, I guess - one step at a time.  We'll declutter and pack up our things and load them on a truck.  We'll call on the help of friends, and we'll probably overspend on storage, and we'll hug a lot and reassure the children that the world is not coming to an end.  We'll cry, and we'll eat a lot of bread products, and we'll worry.  And it will be okay in the end.  

Well, that's all the news there is right now on this particular topic, so...there you go.  The end of an era.

Ministry Update - July 2019

Conference

Every year the husband *has to* go to district conference, and every year there is a hassle of some sort.  This year we debated whether the children and I should even go with him, or stay at home, and then when we decided we would travel together whether we (the children and I) should try and attend conference or do something else.  This year we opted to stay in Ottawa, where my mother in law lives, and visit with her while my husband carpooled with another minister to Trenton, a few hours away, and sat through the meetings.

To be honest, I'm torn on attending conference myself.  I think I'd like to do it once, but having children makes sitting through a meeting nigh impossible.  I have tried before, when the conference was being held in Brockville, and it was miserable to try and entertain little kids, by myself, in a hallway.  The other parents who had pulled the 'take kid out of the meeting straw' and I hushed and shushed for hours.  The next time we went to conference was the year it was held in Toronto, and again there was no keeping the children occupied through the meetings.  I believe we went to Ottawa last year, possibly, as well, and he went to (Brockville again?  Somewhere?) and anyway, you can see my interest in pursuing this is waning.

So anyhow, that's the first thing - conference accomplished!  We were gone for several days, which was just long enough for my house to start smelling horribly and my garden to turn into a bed of weeds.  Fun times.  It's taken a week for me to get things somewhat back to normal.

We learned that there will be a Zone meeting sometime in the fall, and it will be about three hours from us, which is better than the usual ~5 hours, and so we will likely attempt to attend that as well.  And it will only require one night away, so the children and I might tag along and get a hotel with a pool to sit in.  There is also a National conference meeting, and that is even farther than the District conference and would require significant driving over two days and so since it isn't required we will be skipping it.

School

The two courses we enrolled David in are halfway to completion and we are pushing to get them done.  They started at the beginning of May and last until the end of August and the courses he is taking are Anthropology and Romans.  When he is finished them, assuming he passes (and I have no reason to doubt that he will as he's been an A student in every other distance ed course) there will be between 3-4 more courses to take before his Associate's degree is complete.

We won't know what else he can take in the fall until later this summer because the school he's working through hasn't posted their fall distance ed course offerings yet and won't for a while.  There is the possibility that the school will just decide not to offer any of the courses we need, and that would put a bit of a hitch in our plan for him to graduate in Spring 2020.  We're hoping there is something offered that he can take.

Early Summer Nostalgia

Every once in a while I still get caught in the sweeping undertow of nostalgia for the life we (and I) used to have.  I think there's this unfortunate belief that Christians are just constantly happy all the time with wherever they live and, uh, that's not reality.  No, losing my old neighbourhoods and ways of life have been a tangible loss for me; a deep missing that I still feel, although not all the time, but especially in the summer.  It's getting warmer, and the sky is light for longer, and I was not surprised to discover a sense of sadness the other day when I left the children's swimming lessons and drove home.

I was raised in a city, you see.  I loved the city.  I know many people have dreams of leaving the 'urban sprawl' and setting up the little homestead lifestyle, but I did not.  I really enjoyed our holidays in the countryside, but I also really loved my life in the city as well.  When I went to university, it was in another city, and it follows that I met my husband in a city, we were married in a city, and we lived in a city.  Because he had also, you see, been raised in a city.

And let me tell you, cities are great.  They're amazing places.  They have architecture, and hidden neighbourhoods to explore and there are always new things to see and restaurants to try.  And museums!  Boy, I love museums.  And my husband loves movies, which are also great in cities because those city theatres get all the indie films and the niche films and the IMAX films and the documentaries.  You learn so much in a city - there are always lectures to attend or new people to meet and learn from.  And there are nice, big libraries and beautiful parks with things like baseball diamonds that are maintained and also that have TEAMS playing ON them!  And swimming pools! And ethnic grocery stores so you could possibly make a recipe that calls for an unusual ingredient!  Perhaps most of all, cities have choice.  If you don't like that cab company, you try a different cab company.  If you don't like that walking trail, you walk on a different trail.  You never have to say 'this is the only place to buy toothpaste, so if I need to buy toothpaste, I have to do so here.'  In a city, there are probably 200 places to buy toothpaste and half a dozen specialty stores with weird natural toothpaste brands and also at least a few seminars on how to make your own toothpaste and probably a farmer's market to buy it if you don't feel like making it and, and, and.

So that's a long love note to cities right there.  Which may not make sense if you knew me because...I don't live in a city and haven't for about 10 years now.

Shortly after we got married my husband and I moved for his school/work, and we moved from a big, vibrant, cosmopolitan city to...a town of about 4000 people.  It was a huge culture shock for me, let me tell you.  I don't even think I could explain how lost I felt for the first few years we lived there.  If I couldn't buy it at Walmart, it was almost as if it didn't exist for me.  There were three grocery stores in town, a small mall with...I can't even remember the stores, but nothing so exotic as a food court or anything, just a few little stores, and a thrift store, and a Walmart.  There were a couple of diners, and a McDonald's, that sort of thing.  I have trouble bringing up in my mind what stores there were now.  A hardware store?  And I can remember this intense sense of loss; where WAS I?  What was happening here?  Where was...where was LIFE?  It was very grey, especially in the winter, and I felt very little happiness about our surroundings.  At first we lived in an apartment, which was horrible, but eventually managed to move to a house with a backyard.  And about four years in to our stay in that town, which I never got used to by the way, even though everyone said I would, my husband was called to a church.

In a village of approximately 600 people.

Fortunately I could see better now why God had us move to that first town!  Comparatively speaking, going from 4000 to 600 was much easier than going from millions and millions to 4000.  Still, there were some more adjustments.  Now there was only one small grocery store.  There was a smaller, small town library.  There wasn't a hospital anymore, or a dentist or a vet in town.  Everything now required a drive.  I joked for a while that the next place he would bring me would be, like, three houses on a stretch of highway.

We have lived in this village for almost six years now, and in some ways it HAS gotten easier, or at least more familiar, but never comfortable.  After ten years away from the city you would think I would be thoroughly 'countrified', but I am most assuredly not.  I haven't embraced snowmobiling or owning a large dog or clothing in a camouflaged pattern.  I miss the city intensely, but at the same time I have had a few opportunities to be in large cities over the past few years, and I find them overwhelming in so many ways.  I'm not used to the press of a hundred people in a subway car anymore.  I'm not used to the huge amount of grime on everything, and the panhandlers, and the endless garbage and the TRAFFIC.  When I leave, it's with this frustrated sadness now because the city life I love is almost closed to me - I can't belong there because I've been away too long, and I can't belong here because my heart has always stayed in this semi-mythical past city that doesn't exist anymore.  

What sometimes hits me is realizing that my children are country children.  They've never lived in a city.  They haven't had the childhood I had, which I've also mythologized as some sort of Childhood Idyll.  My children say things like "Look at all the deer!" on the way to the grocery store.  And I can't stand when people tell me how 'lucky' we are to live here, even though I also say that to people, but I take it from others to mean "how lucky you are to live here, as opposed to in that terrible, horrible urban wasteland." And I wonder to myself if they have even lived in a city.  If they've seen what fireworks on Canada Day look like when they are put on in a big, impressive, thirty-minute, non stop display.  Or what it's like to order in a restaurant where the entire menu is in another language.  Or if they've gone exploring and found something new every single time, even in their own neighbourhood.  How can that be the terrible, horrible city?  When I say how lucky we are to live here, I mean 'How fortunate, that this place we live in, is such a clean, nice place to live', but I don't mean 'This is my favourite place.  This is the place I would be, if I could be anywhere.'

Ministry Update - End of March 2019

So unlike my last ministry update, which, while true, was written tongue-in-cheek for a bit of fun, THIS one is a bit more along the staid and serious lines.

We have decided, the husband and I, after a lot of discussion, that it is time for him to continue his education.

As a recap - when we accepted this pastorate, five and a half years ago, we understood that we would be moving a distance from any university where he could finish his degree.  We knew this, and we were okay with it.  We came here, we began ministry, and during the course of that we decided to work on David's ordination.  Now, in our denomination ordination has three major components.  The first is two years of full time work in a congregation.  The second is the filling out of paperwork and passing of interviews by the local board of ministerial development.  The third is fulfilling the educational requirement.  While the first and second requirements sort of are what they are, there is a bit of flexibility in regards to the third.  One can choose to fulfill these educational requirements through the course of their degree or they can take part in something called Flame Courses. Flame is the name of the courses that are shortened to the essentials and presented either in one week intensive formats or through distance education.  Essentially they provide a way for ministers to get ordained while still remaining ministers, or else they offer the opportunity for called individuals to pursue training while keeping their workaday lives relatively intact.

Anyway, this is what my husband did, since we were far away from other options.  Also Flame was faster, and SIGNIFICANTLY (like, by hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars) cheaper.  And that mattered to us a lot.

So he took the Flame courses, he finished the required classes, and then a few summers ago he got ordained.  While we had thought about his degree that was started years ago, Flame seemed to provide us with what we needed/wanted for this next stage of our lives.  And while we assumed at some unknown point in the future he might go back to school and finish his degree, we were okay with what we had.

Maybe eight months ago or so we started to talk more seriously about him finishing his degree.  It was a challenge to figure out how to do this.  First of all the schools nearest to us are still quite a distance away and wouldn't accept all of his credits so we would have to attend the school in another province where he began his degree years ago.  However, this school wouldn't accept as credit any of his Flame courses, which makes some sense seeing as they were never intended to substitute for a university credit, but was still frustrating.  With the number of courses needed, the degree would financially be well beyond our reach without taking out student loans - which we had no intention of doing.

In addition to this problem we had the issue of location.  We knew God was not asking us to leave our pastorate right now, and yet there appeared to be no distance education options available at this school.  How to finish the degree without the necessary money OR being in the right location seemed to be an insurmountable problem, but it was laying heavily on our hearts all the same and we had many discussions about it.

Well, a few months ago we discovered that there was a solution to one of our problems at least - the school did have the option of courses taught 'by directive' which were offered essentially as distance education options.  Not all courses were offered by directive, and the courses couldn't be taken whenever the student was ready but were started and ended at set periods, but they were available.  This was excellent news for us because it meant we could continue our ministry here and not have to leave the province.

The second decision we made was to drop from a bachelor's degree to an associates degree.  The associates degree is a two year program that would use the largest percentage of David's current credits and allowed him to graduate as quickly as possible.  Since our goal is ultimately for him to get a bachelor's degree, this associates degree will set him on that path and give him something for all of his hard work while opening the door to other universities with more flexible distance ed. options to upgrade to a bachelor's.  With the associates degree option he has six courses left to take.

Once we made this decision we contacted the school and they informed us that they were hosting two directive courses this coming summer and that David could enroll in them both.  He has since filled out the paperwork and sent it in, and also we have paid our deposit to hold our place in the courses.  All that remains is to pay the balance on the courses and purchase the texts and he will be a student once more.

I have to admit that I'm nervous about this upcoming season of life.  I remember well the year before ordination when David took something like ten Flame courses over a twelve month period of time in order to be prepared to be ordained.  Every day was a push to finish coursework and email it in.  Several of those Flame courses were one week intensives offered at specific locations and so we managed at home without him for one week while he was taking courses in Houghton, NY and another week while he was in southern Michigan and a third week while he was in Brockville, Ontario.  It was a hard year and I'm not eager to repeat it.  On the other hand, I can't wait.  I can't wait to have this piece of paper he has worked hard for and wanted so badly framed on our wall and out of the file folder in my mind labelled 'Things We Should Do Someday'. 

If he takes two courses by directive this summer, that brings him down to only four courses left.  Ideally the school would offer one of their university credits in the fall in an intensive format where he could travel there for a week.  I'm not counting on that, but it would be excellent if it could happen since those one week intensives used to be a mainstay at the school.  It wouldn't be impossible for him to even be done in time to graduate next Spring with the graduating class.  It will be a large financial burden, but in the end, it will be worth it.

Ministry Update - Mid February, 2019

The first in a restarted ministry updates category, hopefully.

Our church is holding a Valentine's supper tonight, on the, um, 16th...I don't know why this is because I wasn't involved in the planning but I'm assuming it's because this was the nearest weekend.  The lady in charge of planning the event decided to charge for tickets and then hire a caterer and I for one am a huge fan of this plan.  Yes, it costs $7 a person now, but oh, to be relieved of potluck duty! 

Truly, is there anything more awful and depressing than potluck duty?  How much food to bring, when to make it, remembering to buy everything, the stress of keeping hot things hot, the carting around of the slow cooker or, alternatively, hoping and praying there is room in the oven for your dish or in the fridge for your salad.  The inevitable loss, or at least worry of loss, regarding serving utensils and the 'nice' tupperware.  And it just never ends, does it?  New Year's Eve party night, bring food; Valentine's Day, bring food; Chili cook-off, bring food; Thanksgiving, bring food; random potluck because we-haven't-made-enough-food...bring food.  Maybe for someone who enjoys making no-bake cheesecake squares with canned cherry pie filling on top, or yet another shredded chicken and frozen peas mixed with pasta and cheese type casserole - but I am not that person.  And you really can't tell what you're going to get at a potluck, which I realize is supposed to be the point but it does rather dampen the spirits when you arrive hungry, as requested, and are faced with three options for baked beans, a bowl of pickles and a stack of fish paste sandwiches.

Anyway, $7 to avoid all of that, to simply show up for a party and be presented with a plate of food that required no effort from me whatsoever, now THAT is a party.  A break.  A rest.  A real festivity!  I will cheerfully pay for extra tickets so that all who cannot afford the fee can attend and sit with me at the table and also sigh the deep sigh of contentment that can only come from having had to do absolutely nothing in order to partake of the joy that is eating with our brothers and sisters in tranquility.

Also my husband has informed me they are serving lasagna.  I'm in.

A drive, campfire videos, ministry updates, favourite missionary blogs

It was incredibly cold here today, but we had a family birthday to attend about an hour and a half away so off we went, frigid temperatures notwithstanding.

Actually, it was beautiful.  The cracks in the ice along the river had puffs of steam rising from them as the bitter air touched the (relatively) warmer water.  And then the puffs froze into crystals and hung like solid fog several feet above the water.  The sun actually had two rainbows, one on each side, which I assumed was from the light hitting ice in the air.  It was all so lovely, and very, very cold.

Anyway, we drove in the daylight this time when usually we start this particular trip while it is still dark out.  We just couldn't get ourselves together this morning (having to chip the ice away from the door so that we could lock it didn't help) and started on the road at the ripe old time of 8:30 in the morning.  But nature gave us something to be happy about anyway.

Speaking of beautiful nature I have a non-book recommendation for whomever has a small child, or for that matter a tired adult, to put to bed.  Y.outube has videos of campfires in different locations and they last for hours and hours and some of them are actually very well done in my opinion.  Some are not recorded quite as well, or the background noises are overwhelming and harsh, but I've been trying them out as a way to get the girls to sleep easier at night.  My favourite is probably by Virtual Fireplace and is called Lakeside Campfire With Relaxing Nature Night Sounds.

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For anyone who might have read this blog many years ago when my husband and I were being considered by various churches and moving through different seasons in ministry, you might remember that I used to post what I called Ministry Updates.  I don't recall them really involving much other than me rambling at a captive audience about the triumphs and trials of a family going through the process of being hired on as church staff, but I enjoyed writing them.  Then, of course, my husband got hired as a senior pastor (if you come here only for the book talk, you might not know this), and those 'ministry updates' faded away.  Partly, if I'm honest, because now to update on ministry felt less private and more public.  But in some ways I sort of miss them!  I should find a way to incorporate them in here again.

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Here's a question for those who, like me, read the blogs of missionaries around the world: what are your favourite blogs that involve families with young children?  Most of the missionary blogs I follow are written by families with much older children or no children at home, and I'd like to expand my repertoire.  I don't have a geographical preference, I just enjoy missions.

I suck at blogging

Sigh.  And again.  I just cannot seem to recover from that blogging slump that started up when I discovered I was pregnant with the baby.  Ahem; the baby is now 19 months old and not really a baby, actually.  More like a tornado of energy and destruction.  Well, bear with me anyway friends.

So we're holding on through the winter and it isn't quite as bad as it was last year because this year the really cold weather didn't even start until January, compared to last winter when it started sometime in November and was still going strong into April.  That almost killed my will to live.  This year is better - I don't mind the winter from January thing.

Right now we're in the home stretch to achieve our big ministry goal - David's ordination.  If you've been following us through the journey then you'll know this is several years in the coming and we've worked our buns off for it.  Both of us.  All of us, actually, the children included.  We've all had to deal with David's extended absences because of required classes being held far away from home.  We've had to shoulder a lot of responsibility to get work done, as well as the financial strain of paying for seven courses last year and three this year, not to mention the travel. Last November he had to drive twelve hours just to GET to class.  That's a lot of gas.  And now we're down to the final push.  If the district board of ministerial development approves him this spring then he will be ordained at district conference this summer and all of our hard work will be worth it.

I'm incredibly excited about this but also treading really cautiously because we're not there yet.  David still has to finish the three courses this year (he has just over two months to finish all three courses, one of which can take some students up to six months to finish regularly) and then there is a final week away from us, this time in Michigan state for the in class work for two of the courses, and then receiving our date for the DBMD and taking some of our precious vacation time to travel (plus praying the old car will make it) to wherever that is and hopefully the final class grades will be in by then and the meeting goes smoothly and everything is approved.  Then there's the actual ordination, which after everything we've been through the past few years feels like the easy part.

At least we have everything paid for.  So there's that.

week alone

So the week before last my husband had to head off to New York state to do course work towards ordination, and it was a hard slog for us at home.  A five year old, a three year old, a one year old, and little ole' me.  Needless to say, home schooling took a bit of a back burner for the week.  We did read some of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and a fantastic little book called Maybe Later and we did some art study, which we're all LOVING.  Here's how we do it:  I have a big coffee table book of full colour works of art and a little bit of info about the artist.  We pick one and then the children work with watercolours to reproduce it while we talk about it.  We might discuss what different colours there are, or aspects of the picture or what it depicts.  I bought good quality brushes at the beginning of the school year, and lovely art books and I don't regret it, but I stuck with just your basic set of children's watercolours and that has also worked well.  When we're done this set I might upgrade us to the set with more colour options but I don't think I'm going to worry about getting a better brand.  Sometimes while we work we listen to music - this is when I like to play a piece of classical music that they otherwise wouldn't sit and listen to.  Again, I'm thinking next year I might combine seatwork with an audiobook such as Story of the World.  Lots of options here.

I don't remember if I mentioned that we have backed off of intentional reading practice with the boy.  He's clearly ready for something, but I just would feel so much better if he had a completely firm grasp of the alphabet first.  And surprisingly enough as soon as we stopped working on it suddenly he's progressed wonderfully.  Ah, the relaxed approach.

We also hung up our wall map that we just got and spent a lot of time looking at it.

Anyway, the week was long and the weather was not very good so we were stuck inside a lot.  I had borrowed or bought a whole bunch of movies for the children because I was anticipating needing some help but we discovered that the boy is really sensitive right now.  Practically every movie was too scary or too sad so we ended up just watching the Andy Griffith show.

And when daddy came home there was great excitement.

Fall Nonsense

It's been very cold in the mornings here the past week or so.  I like to keep the thermostat set very low all the time, but first thing in the morning I get up and turn the heat up to luxurious, extravagant heights - soccer team and organic food heights, and then I sit around in my pajamas and feel the air temperature rise up to what I imagine other people's houses feel like.  This only really works if I get up before everyone else does which fortunately hasn't been much of a problem lately because I've been up before five most days.  Was it Simcha Fisher who wrote the 'early morning worries' post?  The one about lying in bed thinking "Oh Lord, there's so much rhubarb".  Hahaha.  Yes.  Oh, Lord, there is indeed flowing from your merciful hands a wealth of rhubarb.  Please reign in the rhubarb slightly.  Sincerely, your humble servant.

Anyway, I apparently also wrote a post about this, looking back, although I can't find it.

We're in the thick of fall insanity over here - especially in regards to David going to school.  He's off to New York State soon to do some courses towards ordination and then back and then two more via a distance program and then a bit of a break and then two more through the same program, another through a different program, and then rounding of the school year with the final two in Michigan State.  New York State is first, though - I have to get through that without dying.  I deeply, deeply dislike the times I solo parent.

We're about halfway through running the Alpha program at the church, and I have stepped away from Bible study because the children are attending Awana on the same night, so we're pretty busy.  Once Alpha is done, the first rush of courses should also be done, and it will be Christmas.  Mustn't let the stress overtake the season of Advent, I tell myself, heaping yet more pressure on my head.  Mustn't flail about.

Coming home

Gah!  Time flew away from me again and I lost the momentum on my couple-times-a-week posting schedule.  Back on the horse.

My mother has been staying with us for the past several days because David went out of town for school.  You'll remember from the endless ministry updates that I used to do (and don't anymore because there's almost nothing to update once you actually ARE a minister) that David is working on finishing all the courses he needs for ordination.  This past week he went to complete two of them that were being offered about 12 hours away and he arrives home today, which is terribly exciting news for me because even with mom here parenting solo is hard work.

So What Was David Doing, Anyway?

David is home now, hallelujah!  And I thought I'd talk a bit about what he was actually doing away from us for so looooooong.

David's current ministry license (essentially, his piece of paper that certifies that he is a minister in our denomination) is a student license, and therefore has some requirements that come along with it in order to remain current.  One of those requirements is that he take two courses per year in continuing education offered through the church.  Now, he could fulfill that any number of ways, but this year we chose to invest in him attending intensive in-class courses instead of distance education.  Each of the courses was two and a half days long, and involved a lot of reading and paper writing before the in class time.  This year, those courses were offered a few provinces (and a 12 hour drive) away!  We were really eager for him to have the opportunity, though, especially since he's had to manage his courses through distance education for the past couple of years.

Here's what he took:

Pastoral Ministry - see description
Doctrine of Holiness - see description


Of course, he didn't take these courses at Kingswood, but that's the course stuff.

Answers To Questions You Haven't Asked.

I can finally make an announcement that I've been sitting on for a long time now.  David has been hired at a church!  It's crazy unreal over here.  I wish I could personally email or facebook everyone with answers to all of the questions you'll have, but as you can imagine we're a little bit busy with the whole freaking out thing, so here's what I know so far - and if I've missed some crucial piece of information feel free to ask about it in the comments.

Where Is It?

The church is in a very small town (about 566 residents).  The surrounding township only has a population of 625, and that includes several small towns.  The next nearest town with a larger population has 1279 residents.  Approximately an hour away is a city that would likely be our destination for most things.

The nearest Wesleyan church is about an hour away, but is in the US.  The nearest Canadian church is about four hours away.  So, it's very removed from things.

Where Will We Live?

The position comes with a parsonage, which is a house that we'll live in for the duration of our time there.  It's also small, I've been told.  Three bedrooms, no dining room and no basement.

What Will David Do?

Well, David currently works shift work, so he'll be 'home' a lot more.  I put that in quotation marks only because a pastor is always on call and David likely won't be IN the house very much at all, but he'll be much more accessible.  We've agreed that his office will be out of the house, either in the church itself (less likely) or else in another building that the church owns (more likely).

His days will be taken up with preparing for Sunday's sermon (research, writing, practice), actually preaching, meetings (marriage prep, baptism prep, etc.) board meetings, probably preparing the bulletin, possibly dealing with music stuff, visitation, bible study, travel for a variety of things, retirement home services.

What Will Amy Do?

Likely not anything much different than I do now.  Hopefully we can find community there and fit in.

Pictures?

Not yet!  I wish I could share some photos but unfortunately the only ones I've found online identify the town, which isn't something I'm comfortable sharing in this space.  Once we arrive I'll be sure to take some photos on our walks that I can post.  Picture a very tiny northern Canadian town and you probably know what it looks like!  Having trouble?  Well, a highway, with lots of little houses, and trees, and rocks.

What Will Change?

We'll be using our car, for one thing.  Where we live now we really don't need it, but in such a remote area we will.  David and I have also discussed getting a cell phone.  I don't want one, but it probably makes sense to have one.

I hope you've been patient with my lack of posts recently, and will continue to be patient with what is likely going to be a LOT of one sided conversation about the move.  :-)

Books, steak, church.



Lunch.  Steak and mushroom pie covered in phyllo pastry. 


Yesterday David and I spent some time getting our letter to the district typed up and sent to the superintendent.  This is the internship proposal that will get reviewed by prospective churches, who will then decide whether or not they want our family to come and intern at their church.  It's all very overwhelming and I'm glad the letter is sent, but also nervous now about the next step.

Finished reading Three Cups of Tea, finally.  Now I have to get One Thousand Gifts wrapped up so I can dig into the pile of books lent to me by a friend.  First up:  The Christian Atheist.

And now, to the melodious sound of crying children, I am going to get dressed and bring several large bags of clothing to the Salvation Army drop off and out. of. my. house.

On The Lonely Road Of Being A Pastor's Wife

I think that it's natural for us to not understand each other all that well.  As humans we tend to gravitate towards those stories which mirror our own; take, for example, your choice in reading material.  Chances are that your favourite stories/blogs/etc. are all ones that speak to an area of your own life.  Even the books that are as unlikely a mirror as any for you to look into, take a young adult fantasy novel, have characters in them that you are drawn to because of how their decisions are similar to yours, or their emotions are just like your emotions.  Our favourite songs - they're our favourites because they speak to us, aren't they?  The lyrics remind you of an old flame, or a tough decision, or a time in your life.  We see ourselves in others, and those in whom we see the most of ourselves we grow closest to.

Which is likely one of the reasons why it's so lonely to be in the ministry.  Because others can't imagine seeing themselves in you.  Especially people who aren't Christians.  Non Christians have very definate opinions on what a ministry couple should look and act like.

Loneliness, that inability to connect with others, is so prevalent in the ministry that we who are in that field tend to clump together.  Despite my secular upbringing, the majority of my online friends are Christians.  In fact a high percentage of them are in the ministry.  I'm even a member of three facebook groups specifically targeted towards people in ministry!  Flying in the face of Jesus' command to go out into the world (a world with many, many faiths) Christians want to huddle together.  It's warmer that way, and it's easier to turn to the person next to you, a person who knows exactly what you're talking about, and have a conversation.

I am a lonely pastor's wife.  I have secular friends very dear to me with whom I cannot share the most important piece of who I am, the reason I live every day.  And I have Christian friends with whom I cannot share the fact that I feel as though Christianity is living in a big, shiny, well-decorated bubble.  And when my husband is given a church, I will have a congregation that I would be advised not to befriend, because I'm the pastor's spouse.  That's hard.  It's hard to be so lonely in the midst of so many.  It's hard to know that not too many people are going to 'get it'.  Get why I bother dragging the children to church.  Get why we want a church so badly even though we've got a good life here and friends and everything and that imaginary someday church would rip us away from this.

And I would dearly love to toss a platitude in here.  I don't really have one.  I lean on my God, and I trust that He is there to listen to me.

Ministry Update - March, 2013

It's been almost four years since we moved from the big city to the small town where we live and serve in ministry.  That service looks a lot different than we imagined it would four years ago, let me tell you.  I'm not entirely certain what I thought it was going to be like, coming here, but instead of that reality what we see is a life that looks a lot more like missions work than pastoral ministry!

Our forward 'career' (hahahaha!) movement has, for the most part, been in brief bursts followed by long periods where nothing happens.  And in those nothing periods we spend a lot of time just being Christians - sharing food and fellowship, inviting people into our home, giving stuff away, investing in the local church...

There are always a variety of possible opportunities ahead, for which we are grateful.  Right now we're considering some summer intensive courses for David.  Pieces seem to be clicking into place for these courses to happen for David, and I truly hope they do, for his sake, since he thrives on classroom interaction and has only been able to attend distance education classes in the last while.

And there are the pillars of our service here, of course, our involvement in our church and David's personal ministry experience work.  He continues to provide pulpit supply for several churches in the area, both Wesleyan and Anglican.  We are still members of a small group at the church, and David still holds the position of communion co-ordinator for our congregation.  All is much the same on that front as it has been for close to a year now.

Of course, he keeps up his qualifications as well, today was David's DBMD meeting for the year (District Board of Ministerial Development).  He meets with the board annually to discuss, oh, all sorts of things.  What he's done over the past year in terms of ministry, what his goals are for the coming year, how he's managing his courses, where he's applied, etc.  And based off of this meeting the board decides whether to renew his student license for another year.  It can be stressful, although this year was David's third DBMD meeting and so we really aren't as overwhelmed by the process as we used to be.  It went well, he thinks, and though we won't know 'for sure' about his re-licensing until the district conference this summer, we're confident that his student license will be renewed.

We're right in the middle of resignations/re-hires in our area, spring tends to kick start that process in preparation for the district conference in July.  Our family has applications in at several churches, and we'll see how those applications pan out.

All of this is to say that things look pretty much the same now as they have for a while.  And yet...

The work we do here is not in vain.

And surprisingly, I think we would both agree that the most important work we do here is not the stuff we get paid for, or that which comes with a title, or which provides us with any sort of resume fodder.  The hard and real work is stuff that God has dug out of me in the past four years - the small victories won for the kingdom.  It's here, in this town, that we had our first home that we could truly open up to guests, and learn what it means to be a place for people to stay.  It's here that we have learned to host.  It's here where I've learned how to be frugal.  It's here where we have stepped out into the street more than we have before, and met people.

This is like missions.