Shots

So we've spent the past three days at Bible school for Samuel and now that that's finished I thought we could get other chores done, and so far it's not working very well.  I scheduled Lillian's shots for today, and that means I have a fussy baby and a whole bunch of errands to run.  So I'm just carrying around a fussy baby.  I don't MIND the baby strapped to me, but it is slowing me down and tiring me out.  David's birthday just passed and we didn't get a chance to celebrate it on the right day, so we did a few errands, went to the doctor, and then went for lunch.  David wanted fried chicken so fried chicken we got.  And then more errands and home by 2 for naps.  Which is late.  So a quick blog post because I'm really trying here, and then out again - except it's raining.

Fortunately everyone agreed that lunch could be the big meal and I could produce something small for supper so we're having grilled cheese and ham sandwiches and leftover chicken soup.  Must go help at the store and at least three more errands to go before home for supper.  All with the baby, by the sound of it.

A week

It's our last day of bible school for Samuel, which means that this week the house has fallen apart.  I made a whole bunch of meals earlier in the week and we've just been eating those, but laundry and cleaning have totally become optional and it's showing.  I've loved having this chance for Samuel but I'm going to like having the house back together again.

Last night I was out in the garden picking stuff - we've actually had some harvest!  Of course if I wait to deal with it tonight it will all be awful and wilted so I've got to do it now before we go, and I'm groggy and I don't know what to do besides freeze it all.

Started a sweater for Samuel.  It's getting cold.

Summer

I have the sensation that we've done nothing this summer, that the children have missed out on amorphous 'great excitement', that life is generally passing us all by and that there are fun adventures to be had that somehow we're not having.  This is all despite the fact that Samuel has had the opportunity to play soccer, we've hosted two sets of guests, gone to the beach at least twice, made a small road trip, and other things.  I know why I feel this way - it's because of Lillian.  Having a baby throws your entire world on it's head and nothing makes sense.  Plus Samuel is at an age where no matter what lovely things you do for him they must be followed by even more.

Anyway, here we are at almost the end of August and that's that.  Summer will be over soon and we'll be in the long days of fall, with everything slowly getting colder and darker and eventually I'll need to start thinking about Hallowe'en and eventually Christmas.  I know it's four months away but it'll be here before we know it and I'll tell you one thing - I am not decorating the tree this year.

Houseplants and a blanket

I get given a lot of things, mostly clothes for the children although also food and such, but in the last little while there have been a few gifts that have come into the house that I am really pleased with and that are especially nice.  A lady from church came over with a knitted blanket for Lillian, who has a blanket for every day of the week, but then also pulled out a blanket for me, too.  It's big, and warm, and the last time I was given a blanket was in college.  I've been sleeping with it since it is just the right warmth.

I remember when I was younger that my mother had beautiful house plants.  She could make almost anything grow, and her plants were the envy of everyone they were so big and beautiful.  Now I cannot do this.  I've tried to grow things and there must be some magic to it because my plants look like a cat ate half of them.  It's okay though because I think I've discovered the solution and it is cacti and succulents.  I was given an aloe plant a while ago and the thing has grown huge, with babies, and I repotted it yesterday because it was growing out of it's pot.  It was tiny to begin with, but my special neglect is just the perfect style.

Gardens

Every year I try and have a garden.  I remember when we lived out east in a little apartment and I started seeds indoors and tried to get them to grow, without really any success.  The next year I used a plot of land in someone else's garden, and still no success.  The year after that I had my own garden space and I think I grew a few leaves - I'm really not sure what went wrong.

I was so excited when we moved here because finally I might have a real garden, and by real I mean one that grew actual food.  I even bought raised planters and dirt this time, and I planted my seeds, and while we have gotten food out of it, not to any great extent.  Last night Clara and I went out and picked our pea crop, which was sad, and I pulled up all of the spinach because it's been going to seed for a while now.  I haven't tried to harvest any lettuce but it is growing and will make one big salad sometime soon.  And there are a few beets and carrots, I hope.

My beans appear to be getting eaten by something and the tomatoes are not happening, but I'm excited for the possibility of zucchini.

At this rate I'll be growing successful gardens after many years of not successful gardens, and that means about a decade from now.  Still, I'm encouraged that each year there appears to be slightly better results.  When I was a child I remember my parent's garden and they always seemed to have so much produce, especially tomatoes, I suppose I just thought that that happened.  Now, of course, I'm wondering how anyone gets anything to grow.

Dawn is happening over to my right through the window, and it's lovely.  Time to go start the day.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I'm so overwhelmed by life that I think if I don't just decide to post blog entries they are not going to happen.  I don't want to stop writing this blog, I don't.  I need to get past the feeling that I have nothing to say and am anxious and stressed.  I will not explain all the ways in which I am failing as a mother and a person and a Christian.

This week marks the, what, the second week of homeschooling S.  He's in preschool level stuff, but I'm already noticing that he's so far ahead in terms of numbers and drawing lines etc. and not doing letters well at all.  I would like to improve our school time together and do crafts and such, but honestly that is just not going to happen right now so we're doing workbooks.

All I do, every day, is try to keep my head above water.  That's all I do.  I wake up and I listen to the crazy happening around me and I breathe and I work on feeding people and making sure my children are wearing clothes.  I'm always one thing away from losing it.

And I've decided to cut out sugar from my diet.

I think mostly the issue is that I can't catch my breath - we have guests and then they leave and then there's a baptism and that's done and suddenly there's an event and okay now we have a potluck and then guests again and someone's birthday...I know what I'm describing is life, but it's just harder right now.

Some of the time I'm frustrated by things that just Need Doing; a dedicated person and just some time without ANY children would solve these issues - like getting my bangs cut, mending the hole in my sheet, cleaning the oven, buying furniture polish...I can't, of course, because I always have a child with me.  Even one child is too much.