A good guest

I read an article the other day that talked about opening your home up to guests and attempted to answer such questions as 'how clean is clean enough?' and 'what you should focus on when dealing with hospitality related anxiety'.  Fine, good, certainly useful for many.  A friend made a comment about how she wished there could be an article on how to be a good guest, and I also think this is a much more interesting topic, so I'm going to write that article.

Let's start with a little armchair psychology.

Different People Are Different

I have a mental collection of truisms that have served me well over time, and I'm going to share some of them with you.  The most relevant one here is probably this: Different People Are Different.  From the moment you step into someone else's home you're going to notice differences between you and them.  It's very popular to talk about house envy right now, the "They have nicer throw pillows, but I have a better carpet" type of envy, and the noticing may take this form, but it could just as easily be simply noticing differences.  Thoughts such as:

Gosh, they have a lot of bright pink decor!

Look at all the plants!

This room is really small, I wonder how they manage Christmas?

Or maybe...

If they moved that bookcase over to the other wall, they'd have so much more space.

I wonder why they never finished the crown molding in here.

This chair is super uncomfortable.

Or even...

This room is so messy I feel antsy in here.

This room is so sterile looking I can't get comfortable.

My asthma is bothering me with all the dust.

I think it's important as a guest to realize that these are not judgments you're making.  Often we're told that any time we think anything negative about someone or their house we are being judgmental and therefore we are wrong.  But of course the reality is that Different People Are Different.  Your chaos comfort level is different than mine, and is also influenced by external factors such as general stress, whether you had a cup of coffee before you came over, how I am acting and responding to you, and so forth.  Your priorities are different than mine - maybe it's more important to you to finish the crown molding and more important to me to finish the floor.

Here's another example - I have a friend who is a natural hostess; she delights in having people over, feeding them, chatting, having parties.  I, on the other hand, do not have any natural talent for hospitality.  I rarely invite people over and when I do I give myself plenty of prep time and I organize everything down to the smallest detail.  If you were to attend a party at my house and one at her house, though, it might be difficult to see the difference - we would both be cheerful, pleasant hostesses and provide our guests with a nice time.  The difference is that for her this came easily and she was relaxed, happy and in her element, but I spent weeks preparing and was stressed and looking forward to when it was all over.  A guest might do well to think "I don't know this host's preparations and plans and hopes for this event - I should keep in mind that Different People Are Different."

What does this mean as a guest?  Well, simply that when you acknowledge the fact that Different People Are Different, you can stop the thought "Look at all the plants!" from turning into "She has such a green thumb and I don't but boy I'm jealous of all the plants in here."  Or "This room is really small..." from becoming "This is such a pokey little house; I never want to visit here again.  We should just visit at my house."  Keep it in your mind when you go into someone else's space that their finances, preferences, beliefs, priorities, etc. are ALL different from yours.  A good way to approach being in someone else's house is to ask yourself "Is this a way in which we are different from each other?" and proceed from that.

The Goal Is Important

It's not standard to ask yourself what your goal is for every visit to someone's house, but maybe it should be.  Your goal as a guest is pretty simple - you are there to strengthen your relationship with the host.  You can offer to help prepare the meal, or bring a salad, or set the table, or wash dishes afterwards; you can turn to a person and get to know them better.  All of your actions surrounding the event can be thought of as strengthening the relationship or weakening it.  Even bringing a hostess gift is, fundamentally, just an extension of this.  You're giving a thank you present to a friend for having you over!  And on the other hand you can do things to make the relationship weaker - you can comment on how unsanitary the gerbil cage in the dining room is, you can mention to the hostess "you were out of soap in the bathroom so I found a bar in the linen cupboard" and embarrass her, you can ask if they can turn on the tv so you can watch the weather.  And again, Different People Are Different, so many people might not find those things to be rude but find someone who uses salt and pepper before tasting the food to be acting rudely, or shrieking when the family dog comes over to say hello.  

The important thing to keep in mind is that your actions should be based on thinking about the hostess and how this will make her feel.  If you're always cold, and you know this, then don't go to another house and complain about the temperature.  If you find green beans to be unpleasant, but you are unable to get away from being served green beans, think about the fact that this is not about you, and eat the beans.

Don't add stress

It's possible that there are laid back people who don't mind you adding work to an event, but most people would not be thrilled.  With that in mind, if you are bringing a potluck dish to a party you should bring everything you need for it and not be required to ask the hostess if she has a serving spoon just before supper.  If you're attending a busy New Year's party with lots of people then think twice about showing up with a hostess gift of flowers that require finding a vase and arranging them somewhere.  Make sure that information such as parking, gifts, allergies, directions, time, duration of event, etc. are already established beforehand because you don't want to be calling the hostess just before guests arrive in order to get this info - she is busy.  Arrive within a reasonable time period, but not early, unless you were invited to an event such as a wedding, in which case arrive when the invitation tells you to.  There is room for lateness with casual gatherings and larger groups of people but generally you don't want to keep people waiting - it isn't polite.  The only exception to this is if you are in a culture where chronic tardiness is the norm, in which case your hostess should prepare for this or tell you that an event is starting at a specific time whether you arrive or not.



So, friends, to recap:

1) Remember that Different People Are Different.  They have different preferences, different standards, different everything.  Even people really really similar to you are not you.  So just, you know, acknowledge and accept that.  If the house you're visiting is messy or sterile or loud or whatever, go with the flow.  And if you really, really cannot go with the flow...

2) Think about WHY you are visiting in the first place!  Your priority is to be with someone to strengthen a bond you have.  You don't need to love their livingroom!  It's okay to think their bathroom is dirty!  Your focus is THEM.

3) And finally, on a practical note, just be considerate of your requests in general during your time as a guest.  Don't add work.  Don't add stress.  Don't add negativity to an already not-the-norm situation. 

And that is my guesting advice.  Anything I missed?