The harder side

In the midst of all this busying back and forth, I am covering a hole.  I'm hurt.  I'm hurt by the way this ministry is ending, by how relationships are ending, by how so much of this is wrapping up in totally unpleasant and unforseen ways.  I'm hurt by the church.  I'm hurt by people.  I'm hurt by other ministers.  I'm hurt.

Maybe that doesn't shock you, or maybe it does - that someone can love God and not feel happy about all his little children.  Expectations are...a real drag, guys.  They really, truly are.  They make you feel like you're entitled to all sorts of things that you really are not entitled to.  Especially in ministry.  Especially there.  

Here's the thing - LOVE IS TRICKY.  It's hard to love people on your own.  It's HARD to do that.  Sometimes you really UNLOVE those people.  No love, 0%, do NOT recommend!  And that's why the love cannot ultimately come from you; it must come from somewhere else.  If it came from me, there would be about 3cm of love and then you'd hit cement.  I am not a loving individual; my default is "Kids!  Listen, we're crossing the street because there's some Jehovah's Witnesses coming towards us and they're holding pamphlets.  Everyone GO!"  The loving you see in me, that's not me, that's God.  

And I'm holding on to the hope that he can keep loving through me for the next several weeks because I am OUT of those 3cm, folks.  I'm out.  I'm tired of...all of the things.  I want to open my mouth and have God give me words that will encourage and uplift, and instead I'm holding my teeth tightly together so that I don't say what I'm thinking.  I worry the words will start to drip out the edges, start to divert themselves to my eyes, my ears - just run out of my body in fits and starts, dripping on the carpet as I walk.  That would not be good.  That would not be a nice ending.  The words are not nice words.

God is the well of stillness, the lack of chaos.  If I am to make it through this move, it will be by His strength alone.