Prayer.

I've finally found myself defaulting to prayer in a raw way again.  I tend to vacillate on this issue, and it really is an issue.  Some days (or weeks, or months) I'm fantastic at it - I rely fully on God's grace to get me through life and I see the results from that reliance.  And then some weeks (or months, or seasons) I'm terrible at it.  I cannot fall backwards like that silly trust building workshop game tells you to.  I cannot close my eyes.  I simply cannot step out.  And I don't quite understand why, except that I know intellectually that so much sin is rooted in the same old, same old.  Pride, Self-reliance, all the way back to the garden.

This week, I have made a concerted effort to focus on several larger issues that I needed to address.  With one exception, I feel as though they have all been dealt with on some level by God.  The relationship that was awkward and faltering has been patched together, the situation that caused great anxiety and way too much in the way of 'what ifs?' has been neatly answered to everyone's satisfaction.  The constant stress of baby preparations have dwindled until I can barely remember half of what I was so worried about.

And if you live a Christian life you are thinking two things right now.  The first is this warm, glowy sense of "Oh how wonderful, God answers prayers, she's at peace on all of these topics, life is good, my prayers will be answered as well, lalalala!"  The other thought is...

"But what about the prayer that hasn't yet been answered?"

Indeed.

Isn't that just like me.  And maybe you, what do I know; I assume other people are like me although I have no reason to think that.  For we seem unable to dwell with God forever on this earth - our lives constantly bring us to a point of comparison.  She has more than me.  He has this thing that I want.  Why can't I be at peace?  Why can't I eat that apple?  Why don't I get to decide?

Because we'd fail at it, that's why.  The same way my son would soon die of malnutrition if his meal options were entirely up to him.  

I will continue to pray for this issue to be resolved.  For it to take itself off of my mind and stop weighing me down with it's constant drone.  I will pray continually although it may not be answered the way I want it to be, and then I will pray for that, as well.  And in the meantime, I will remember that the best relationships require communication, and that God will listen when I speak.