A good guest

I read an article the other day that talked about opening your home up to guests and attempted to answer such questions as 'how clean is clean enough?' and 'what you should focus on when dealing with hospitality related anxiety'.  Fine, good, certainly useful for many.  A friend made a comment about how she wished there could be an article on how to be a good guest, and I also think this is a much more interesting topic, so I'm going to write that article.

Let's start with a little armchair psychology.

Different People Are Different

I have a mental collection of truisms that have served me well over time, and I'm going to share some of them with you.  The most relevant one here is probably this: Different People Are Different.  From the moment you step into someone else's home you're going to notice differences between you and them.  It's very popular to talk about house envy right now, the "They have nicer throw pillows, but I have a better carpet" type of envy, and the noticing may take this form, but it could just as easily be simply noticing differences.  Thoughts such as:

Gosh, they have a lot of bright pink decor!

Look at all the plants!

This room is really small, I wonder how they manage Christmas?

Or maybe...

If they moved that bookcase over to the other wall, they'd have so much more space.

I wonder why they never finished the crown molding in here.

This chair is super uncomfortable.

Or even...

This room is so messy I feel antsy in here.

This room is so sterile looking I can't get comfortable.

My asthma is bothering me with all the dust.

I think it's important as a guest to realize that these are not judgments you're making.  Often we're told that any time we think anything negative about someone or their house we are being judgmental and therefore we are wrong.  But of course the reality is that Different People Are Different.  Your chaos comfort level is different than mine, and is also influenced by external factors such as general stress, whether you had a cup of coffee before you came over, how I am acting and responding to you, and so forth.  Your priorities are different than mine - maybe it's more important to you to finish the crown molding and more important to me to finish the floor.

Here's another example - I have a friend who is a natural hostess; she delights in having people over, feeding them, chatting, having parties.  I, on the other hand, do not have any natural talent for hospitality.  I rarely invite people over and when I do I give myself plenty of prep time and I organize everything down to the smallest detail.  If you were to attend a party at my house and one at her house, though, it might be difficult to see the difference - we would both be cheerful, pleasant hostesses and provide our guests with a nice time.  The difference is that for her this came easily and she was relaxed, happy and in her element, but I spent weeks preparing and was stressed and looking forward to when it was all over.  A guest might do well to think "I don't know this host's preparations and plans and hopes for this event - I should keep in mind that Different People Are Different."

What does this mean as a guest?  Well, simply that when you acknowledge the fact that Different People Are Different, you can stop the thought "Look at all the plants!" from turning into "She has such a green thumb and I don't but boy I'm jealous of all the plants in here."  Or "This room is really small..." from becoming "This is such a pokey little house; I never want to visit here again.  We should just visit at my house."  Keep it in your mind when you go into someone else's space that their finances, preferences, beliefs, priorities, etc. are ALL different from yours.  A good way to approach being in someone else's house is to ask yourself "Is this a way in which we are different from each other?" and proceed from that.

The Goal Is Important

It's not standard to ask yourself what your goal is for every visit to someone's house, but maybe it should be.  Your goal as a guest is pretty simple - you are there to strengthen your relationship with the host.  You can offer to help prepare the meal, or bring a salad, or set the table, or wash dishes afterwards; you can turn to a person and get to know them better.  All of your actions surrounding the event can be thought of as strengthening the relationship or weakening it.  Even bringing a hostess gift is, fundamentally, just an extension of this.  You're giving a thank you present to a friend for having you over!  And on the other hand you can do things to make the relationship weaker - you can comment on how unsanitary the gerbil cage in the dining room is, you can mention to the hostess "you were out of soap in the bathroom so I found a bar in the linen cupboard" and embarrass her, you can ask if they can turn on the tv so you can watch the weather.  And again, Different People Are Different, so many people might not find those things to be rude but find someone who uses salt and pepper before tasting the food to be acting rudely, or shrieking when the family dog comes over to say hello.  

The important thing to keep in mind is that your actions should be based on thinking about the hostess and how this will make her feel.  If you're always cold, and you know this, then don't go to another house and complain about the temperature.  If you find green beans to be unpleasant, but you are unable to get away from being served green beans, think about the fact that this is not about you, and eat the beans.

Don't add stress

It's possible that there are laid back people who don't mind you adding work to an event, but most people would not be thrilled.  With that in mind, if you are bringing a potluck dish to a party you should bring everything you need for it and not be required to ask the hostess if she has a serving spoon just before supper.  If you're attending a busy New Year's party with lots of people then think twice about showing up with a hostess gift of flowers that require finding a vase and arranging them somewhere.  Make sure that information such as parking, gifts, allergies, directions, time, duration of event, etc. are already established beforehand because you don't want to be calling the hostess just before guests arrive in order to get this info - she is busy.  Arrive within a reasonable time period, but not early, unless you were invited to an event such as a wedding, in which case arrive when the invitation tells you to.  There is room for lateness with casual gatherings and larger groups of people but generally you don't want to keep people waiting - it isn't polite.  The only exception to this is if you are in a culture where chronic tardiness is the norm, in which case your hostess should prepare for this or tell you that an event is starting at a specific time whether you arrive or not.



So, friends, to recap:

1) Remember that Different People Are Different.  They have different preferences, different standards, different everything.  Even people really really similar to you are not you.  So just, you know, acknowledge and accept that.  If the house you're visiting is messy or sterile or loud or whatever, go with the flow.  And if you really, really cannot go with the flow...

2) Think about WHY you are visiting in the first place!  Your priority is to be with someone to strengthen a bond you have.  You don't need to love their livingroom!  It's okay to think their bathroom is dirty!  Your focus is THEM.

3) And finally, on a practical note, just be considerate of your requests in general during your time as a guest.  Don't add work.  Don't add stress.  Don't add negativity to an already not-the-norm situation. 

And that is my guesting advice.  Anything I missed?

Ministry Update - Mid February, 2019

The first in a restarted ministry updates category, hopefully.

Our church is holding a Valentine's supper tonight, on the, um, 16th...I don't know why this is because I wasn't involved in the planning but I'm assuming it's because this was the nearest weekend.  The lady in charge of planning the event decided to charge for tickets and then hire a caterer and I for one am a huge fan of this plan.  Yes, it costs $7 a person now, but oh, to be relieved of potluck duty! 

Truly, is there anything more awful and depressing than potluck duty?  How much food to bring, when to make it, remembering to buy everything, the stress of keeping hot things hot, the carting around of the slow cooker or, alternatively, hoping and praying there is room in the oven for your dish or in the fridge for your salad.  The inevitable loss, or at least worry of loss, regarding serving utensils and the 'nice' tupperware.  And it just never ends, does it?  New Year's Eve party night, bring food; Valentine's Day, bring food; Chili cook-off, bring food; Thanksgiving, bring food; random potluck because we-haven't-made-enough-food...bring food.  Maybe for someone who enjoys making no-bake cheesecake squares with canned cherry pie filling on top, or yet another shredded chicken and frozen peas mixed with pasta and cheese type casserole - but I am not that person.  And you really can't tell what you're going to get at a potluck, which I realize is supposed to be the point but it does rather dampen the spirits when you arrive hungry, as requested, and are faced with three options for baked beans, a bowl of pickles and a stack of fish paste sandwiches.

Anyway, $7 to avoid all of that, to simply show up for a party and be presented with a plate of food that required no effort from me whatsoever, now THAT is a party.  A break.  A rest.  A real festivity!  I will cheerfully pay for extra tickets so that all who cannot afford the fee can attend and sit with me at the table and also sigh the deep sigh of contentment that can only come from having had to do absolutely nothing in order to partake of the joy that is eating with our brothers and sisters in tranquility.

Also my husband has informed me they are serving lasagna.  I'm in.

The snow...I should be expecting this by now

That sort of comment, where people say 'It isn't like this is the first winter ever/Snow is not a surprise/etc.' is the sort of comment I think about when people start to complain about the cold and snow near where I live, in November.  But by February I am making the same comments.  It is cold.  And snowy.  For heaven's sake another pile of snow?!  Another storm!??  We just had a huge storm!  Grouch grouch grouch.

The parsonage has a flight of stairs down from a small front deck and the bottom two stairs are completely covered by snow.  That means that the cleared snow path leading from my stairs to the car is actually about a foot and a half above ground level.  That's the cleared path.  The piles of snow are up to my shoulders on the sides of the paths.  My husband managed to get stuck backing out of the driveway today.  It's just so much.  So much snow. 

Mostly I'm grouchy because we're stuck inside so much of the time.  The children are small, and they get cold, and they are bored outside.  There are no bikes or sprinklers or sand pits in the winter.  There is just snow.  The cat is not outside to play with them (that old cat knows better and is spending the winter with his tail over his nose curled up in a closet thankyouverymuch) and there are no interesting things happening.  For whatever reason my bird feeders do not seem to be garnering much interest this year, and the road in front of the house is often used by fast moving snowmobiles racing towards the lake or away to the trails.  If I go outside with them and shovel or something, they will stay with me, but, sigh, I don't want to.  I don't have a lot of interest in spending an hour fighting back the ice and snow and cold in order to...deal with the same again tomorrow?

We were supposed to head in to the city today, a 45 minute drive on the highway each way.  The highway was clear, but we heard that the city plows were not doing a great job in town, so we cancelled our drive seeing as the snow was still coming down, and fast.  Not that we had important business.  But still, to pick up some fruit, to wander into a few stores.  To get the cat some dry food he will willingly eat instead of the stuff I bought last time, which he detests.  It would be nice to participate, just a little, in society today.

Goodness you know the introvert is housebound when she says something like that.

Reading Notes - January 2019

I didn't spend very much time last month watching television or on the computer and have actually been trying to intentionally 'unplug' before I sleep and pick up a book in bed instead.  All of this has resulted in quite a few titles for the first month of 2019 - a strong start!  The previous Reading Notes covered the first part of January, so this is the remainder of the month.

Saints: Lives and Illuminations - by Ruth Sanderson

I received this book as a gift for Mother's Day a few years ago, but never sat down to read it from cover to cover.  And now I have.  Sanderson's book is exactly the sort of pre-bed reading I find myself gravitating towards - short, easy to pick up and put down, etc.  Her illustrations are lovely and bright, reminding me a little bit of icons in their decorative style, but her text is very simple.  Each saint receives just a short page introduction; there is little detail.  That being said I had never heard of many of the Christians mentioned, since I'm not Catholic, and I found it informative.

Dialogues With Silence - by Thomas Merton

Here is what I knew about Merton before I read this book:  He was a Catholic monk who joined a monastery sometime in the 1900s and he had written an indeterminate number of books.  Presumably about Catholicism.

In other words I knew practically nothing about Thomas Merton!  Dialogues With Silence helped fill in a few gaps in my knowledge.  For one thing, I had absolutely no clue that Merton was fascinated by Zen teachings later in his life, that he illustrated his journals with Eastern inspired ink drawings, that he had correspondence with many figures in the 60s and 70s, and that he had actually converted to his faith only two years before joining his contemplative order.  This book was comprised of snippets of these journals, which often showed his painful transition to a contemplative, and were illustrated with his beautiful drawings, and like Ruth Sanderson's book on the saints I thought it was just right for bedtime reading.

The Book Of Irish Legends - compiled by Iain Zaczek

I believe I picked this book up months (years?) ago in order to add it to my collection of myths and legends for my children to use for school, and yet I never actually managed to read it to see if it would work in that capacity.  It turned out to cover a few of the main myths but likely is too advanced to be useful any time soon.  But it was a fun little read, and Emma Garner's illustrations were strangely compelling and odd - they were in a sort of scrapbook style with snippets of text incorporated into the images.  This was another of my quick bedtime reads.

A drive, campfire videos, ministry updates, favourite missionary blogs

It was incredibly cold here today, but we had a family birthday to attend about an hour and a half away so off we went, frigid temperatures notwithstanding.

Actually, it was beautiful.  The cracks in the ice along the river had puffs of steam rising from them as the bitter air touched the (relatively) warmer water.  And then the puffs froze into crystals and hung like solid fog several feet above the water.  The sun actually had two rainbows, one on each side, which I assumed was from the light hitting ice in the air.  It was all so lovely, and very, very cold.

Anyway, we drove in the daylight this time when usually we start this particular trip while it is still dark out.  We just couldn't get ourselves together this morning (having to chip the ice away from the door so that we could lock it didn't help) and started on the road at the ripe old time of 8:30 in the morning.  But nature gave us something to be happy about anyway.

Speaking of beautiful nature I have a non-book recommendation for whomever has a small child, or for that matter a tired adult, to put to bed.  Y.outube has videos of campfires in different locations and they last for hours and hours and some of them are actually very well done in my opinion.  Some are not recorded quite as well, or the background noises are overwhelming and harsh, but I've been trying them out as a way to get the girls to sleep easier at night.  My favourite is probably by Virtual Fireplace and is called Lakeside Campfire With Relaxing Nature Night Sounds.

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For anyone who might have read this blog many years ago when my husband and I were being considered by various churches and moving through different seasons in ministry, you might remember that I used to post what I called Ministry Updates.  I don't recall them really involving much other than me rambling at a captive audience about the triumphs and trials of a family going through the process of being hired on as church staff, but I enjoyed writing them.  Then, of course, my husband got hired as a senior pastor (if you come here only for the book talk, you might not know this), and those 'ministry updates' faded away.  Partly, if I'm honest, because now to update on ministry felt less private and more public.  But in some ways I sort of miss them!  I should find a way to incorporate them in here again.

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Here's a question for those who, like me, read the blogs of missionaries around the world: what are your favourite blogs that involve families with young children?  Most of the missionary blogs I follow are written by families with much older children or no children at home, and I'd like to expand my repertoire.  I don't have a geographical preference, I just enjoy missions.

The 8yo Is Reading...

A few of the books the 8yo has finished in the last little while.

A.mazon

The pictures are from Amazon but the books we own are mostly second hand.

What I Read - January 2019

Reading Notes - In a previous post I mentioned wanting to try and finish up some of the books that I've started.  I succeeded in finishing two books that had been dragging on for a few months, but at the same time I also started more books.  Well, these things happen.

Traveling With Pomegranates by Sue Monk Kidd and Ann Kidd Taylor

This was an unfinished 2018 book that I managed to finish.

In hindsight, I can understand the framework for this non-fiction dual-author work significantly better if I look at it through the slightly magical lens of Kidd's previous work - The Secret Life of Bees.  Initially I found myself fascinated by the divine feminist perspective she and her daughter held, and drawn in to the story of Ann's descent into depression following a painful graduate school rejection letter, but the tale quickly became somewhat convoluted.  The further in we got, the more cerebral the story became, until it seemed to almost entirely be acted out in the imaginations of the two women.  From a faith perspective, it bothered me that near the end what had been seen as a particular affinity to the Virgin Mary was turned into the women praying TO Mary, changing marriage ceremony words to talk about God the mother, and eventually referring to a person as a 'savior'.  This being said, I actually did enjoy vast swathes of the story!  And certainly if accurate depictions of Christian worship are of no importance to you then you will probably be less bothered by the inaccuracies.

I suppose I was a little disappointed by the fact that it is hard to find excellent Christian female writing about the strength of women within the Christian faith.  But then, maybe this isn't meant to be that.  Maybe this is just meant to be a book about writing a book, and coming to grips with your inability to get everything you want in life, and how to change from one season of living to another.  But even seen through those filters, the book seemed ultimately somewhat unfulfilling.  Ann's deep, deep love for Greek history which leads her to want to devote her entire life to studying it - she applies to one graduate program, is rejected, and promptly falls into a deep, deep depression.  That simply seems illogical to me.  Apply to another program!  Do you love it or not?  Why on earth did you only apply to one graduate school program in the field you loved more than anything?!

So much of the story seems to hinge around dreams people have.  Someone dreams of an owl, and an owl is a symbol of Athena, and then that ties so nicely into the fact that Athena is a strong woman, and we're right back to strong women in ancient Greece.  Sigh.  It was all a bit circuitous for me.

Discipline: The Glad Surrender - Elizabeth Elliott

This was an unfinished 2018 title.

Elliott is an excellent Christian author who really gets to the heart of her subject.  In this book she very clearly outlined the areas of life where we need to allow God's authority, and what exactly that looks like.  Her examples are relevant and useful, her writing is simple, straightforward and elegant, and her understanding of her topic is spot on.

As Chimney Sweepers Come To Dust - Alan Bradley

The 7th in the Flavia De Luce Mysteries

Always a good mystery.  Flavia is in Canada!  Yay!

The Happiness Project - Gretchin Rubin

Possibly my fourth time reading this one?  Rubin has such an orderly mind.  It is both fascinating and intimidating to read her.  Also, CAN you become happier?  Is it scientifically possible?  Interesting.

Great Tales From English History - Robert Lacey

Book 1 of 2

I didn't realize this was actually the first of two volumes by Lacey chronicling some of the more colourful characters in English history, but I had so. many. English. history. books. I just had to read at least one of them for goodness' sake.  So I grabbed this one.  It was fantastic!  I mean, it wouldn't be a particularly helpful book to teach history with, nor would it be useful if you wanted to get beyond a very basic understanding of some of the monarchs, churchmen and lay folk he looks at, but for what it was, it was perfect.  Lacey mentions Our Island Story by H.E. Marshall, which is along the same lines as a book we're currently reading in homeschool - A Child's History of the World.  And Lacey's book is a grown up version of exactly this sort of book.  Short, pithy independent chapters that show links between individuals and help the reader draw their own conclusions.  I will be keeping it on my shelf for when my own students get into reading history.