Dogs

I don't even know what to call this post.  I suppose something along the lines of Dog-Sitting:  Try Not To Actually Sit On The Dog?

So our friend, A, has dogs.  And one of the dogs has come to stay with us for a while.  It's a very nice dog, I will admit.  However I have exactly zero experience (or very, very close to zero experience) with dogs.  Once, when I was very young, my family had a dog.  I do not remember this at all.  Also when I was young my neighbour had a dog that she let me walk.  I do remember this, but not many details, just the idea of walking this dog.  And also when David and I were married a dog once spent one night at our house.  So there you have it - essentially all of my dog knowledge right there.

Here's what I knew about dogs.  Dogs shed, and also you should not put your face next to their face or stare them in the eyes or touch their food while they are eating.  Also they growl and bark and they smell very doggy especially when wet and also apparently cats sometimes hate them.

So.  With that in mind we are dog-sitting.  I have to admit it is NOTHING like what I thought it would be.  To begin with, the dog is pretty large and yet seems to have some fairly significant issues with spatial awareness in that it believes it is a lap dog.  I was not expecting this.  The dog likes to lie down on feet, to lie down on the sofa beside you, to lie down on the sofa beside you and also on your feet and also partly on your lap and then ooze its way towards engulfing your body and eventually disposing of you like an owl pellet.  This is what I imagine will happen, at least.

The dog does not shed but will lie very still while you backcomb all of its ear and face hair so that it looks like a mushroom.  I mean, it will give you a very disappointed look while you are doing this, but it will let you.

The dog will consume a substantial 'dental treat' shaped bone thing that you bought thinking 'oh, this dental treat bone thing will last several days' in, like, 15 minutes.

While it does this it will sound like it is crunching the bones of your ancestors.

Which is ridiculous because while you are walking the dog it will jump because a leaf stirred behind it, because there were waves that were touching the shore several feet away from it, because someone drove past in a car, and memorably, when it startled a very small grey mouse in the underbrush.  At the mouse startle incident you will roll your eyes and think how very far we have come from man's protector growling into the darkness beyond your prehistoric campfire.

The dog will simultaneously love everyone and also not love anyone at all and want them all to stay away except yes it does want to be touched on the head except also no it does not and why are you NOT rubbing my stomach?  If this makes sense to you, then you must have a dog.

The cat will actually be more than happy to put the dog in its place.  The dog's place being somewhere beneath the status of hairballs.  The cat will do this simply by maintaining a truly impressive level of eye contact until the dog gives up because heck, the cat is actually terrifying and there's no way the dog will win that battle.

The dog will not bark or growl at anyone but will groan arthritically when it lies down, much like you yourself groan arthritically when you lie down.  You will feel sympathy for the dog.  It will also twitch when it dreams, and jump into the air when the furnace turns on, and take to wiping its nose on your pants.  Actually the dog will start to remind you very much of your own children at 2 year olds.  You will formulate an elaborate theory of how dog sitting is, in fact, like taking care of an 80lb 2 year old.  Big, not that bright but very curious, non-verbal, requiring constant attention or else it will knock something off a shelf.

So there you have it.  I will keep you posted.