Invitational Presence and The Reluctant Scholar

The Graphics Fairy

I really wanted to talk about one of the techniques I use when homeschooling, one of the most valuable tools in my toolbox, actually.

So, I've noticed that there are some common issues with educating children regardless of how you choose to do so, and one of the main ones is probably how to convince a reluctant child to do the thing you wish them to do.

Now, it's not particularly surprising to anyone who knows me that I am stubborn and recalcitrant at the best of times myself, but also that I am very much a 'path of least resistance' sort of gal.  Frankly, if there is going to be a fight involved, I'm not likely to travel far down that path unless I feel very, very strongly about the issue.  My husband and I joke that our parenting philosophy can be summed up as 'is this the hill you want to die on?'  And sometimes, friends, Romans, countrymen...it is indeed.  But far more frequently the answer is a resounding 'no'.

All that being said, if one of my children is reluctant to do some sort of schooling I am pretty likely to say 'meh', and let it go.  And frankly, 'meh' is its own successful schooling strategy in a lot of cases!  But there are some times when the hill really must be taken, and into the breach we must go.  I struggled to think of a good example of this sort of situation in order to illustrate my technique, but here's what I've come up with.

Suppose you have a child who is a reluctant reader.  Now, I mean exactly what I say here, not a delayed reader with an educational difficulty or a reader who is below 'grade-level' but is enthusiastically reading all sorts of things, or even a reader who is slow and plodding but consistent.  I mean a child who can read well, and does not wish to do so.  This might take the form of a child who chooses books that offer no challenge at all simply to 'get through' the work, or a child who opts to do almost any activity besides reading, or a child who shrugs and looks bored at any request for them to choose a book to read, even when presented with many interesting materials on topics they are currently very enthusiastic about.  

The methods I've seen in regards to handling reluctant readers fall into two categories - convincing and force.  Under convincing you have such options as 'Come on, just one page and you can go play', 'If you don't get this done you'll fall behind', 'just pick a book please, so we can get on with our day', etc.  Under force you have 'Well, you have to read for 30 minutes, so pick something or I will pick it for you', 'no tv until you're done your reading' and 'You have to, so no arguing!'.

Now, there may very well be success to be had with any or all of these options, or many more beside, but as I said, I don't want to argue.  I'm not a fan of having to wheedle my children, frankly.  Maybe I'm just lazy.  And yet - my children should read.  They should pick up books and read them for knowledge and enjoyment and of their own free will.  They should, at their own pace, progress in reading levels and in skill until they grasp adult language and are able to converse in society at a good level.  I wish these things for and of each of them, and I am not alone in this.

So what to do?  Well I came up with an idea recently about this, and I suppose it is based somewhat on the idea of 'being a good example'.  We all tell each other these sorts of things all the time, frankly, to 'be a good example', or praise someone for 'being a good example' and so forth.  When you're homeschooling your children (or even if you're not) you are one of those 'good' (one hopes) examples.  What do your children see YOU doing?

The more I thought about this good example philosphy though, the more I realized it didn't fully encompass what I was trying to explain, so I've come up with the term 'invitational presence'.  To teach a child something you wish them to know is a process that has many paths, but to illustrate a life has just two - you can live in the world and hope your simply existing sheds some light on the truth, or you can invite others into life with you.

Here's how this technique might work in our example of the reluctant reader.  You can read in front of your child, visibly preferring your book over other options for entertainment, perhaps even carrying a book with you, and you can ensure that book is one that is eminently shareable.  Maybe funny stories you could chortle at and then say 'oh, listen to this!' and read briefly aloud from.  Or facts that might be compelling.  Or even (shock!  horror!) a children's book!  You can invite your child, with excitement, to help you choose YOUR next book. You can make the trip to the library or evening reading together a treat, however that might look for you (I'm a fan of silence and gummi worms myself but to each their own).  When you read in front of your reluctant child, they see you, doing that thing they do not want to do, albeit a good thing and one they are at least exposed to.  When you invite them in, ask them (in actions, mostly) to join you in this excitement, to help you, to journey with you instead of on a parallel track on their own, you encourage relationship.  

So now what you have is not just a personal habit of reading, but a family culture of reading.  You are the Smith family, and you read. You read together.  You help each other choose books and you share snippets that other might enjoy and you have infectious happiness at the thought of making each other laugh or think big thoughts.  You encourage the finding of interesting things in print, and you comment, aloud, at the smells in bookstores and how great the endpapers look, because you are the Smiths.  And the Smiths are readers.

This technique, like all proper education, takes time, and it takes patience.  And what if you are not a reader yourself, you might ask?  What if reading isn't YOUR thing?  Ah, but homeschooling is at its core, an acknowledgement that learning happens everywhere and is not confined to a place called school.  It happens throughout our days and throughout all of our days, until the end.  A teacher who is done learning, is dead.  Consider your child's reluctance to read an invitation to you, and your response to that reluctance an invitation in return.  This is not a negative!  This is good! So many times we cannot see the problematic educational trees for the forest, and yet here you have recognized one of those trees, and you have a game plan to focus on.  This is not failure, my friend, but the very definition of success.